utsukushii me
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: What does it really mean for a youkai and a human to have different life spans?


**Fandom: Tactics**  
 **Title: utsukushii me.**  
 **Rating: pg13-**  
 **Pairing: Haruka x Kantarou**  
 **Description - What does it really mean for a youkai and a human to have different life spans? (My thank you fic for Kyuu-chan. ^_^)**

 **Disclaimer - Tactics isn't mine, just Kaoru. The translation and transliteration for 'kono sekai no katasumi' are mine, but the song, of course, doesn't belong to me.**

"Right now, with my hands, what can I do for you?  
I want to possess that kind of power to heal that sadness.  
Inside of this world, what can I do for you?  
While doing this, I want to possess the strength to always protect you."

 **utsukushii me. (beautiful eyes.)  
By miyamoto yui**

Tap tap tap.

"Oh, I'll never get this right. I've written a million articles and still, the next writing assignment I take is harder than the last. Why do I always make life harder on myself than it should be?"

"You wouldn't be you if you didn't." The brown-haired girl with the long ponytail patted his back sympathetically. She then got up and opened the closet to take out a white futon.

The man, despite his fine-lined face and distinctive features, foolishly stuck out his tongue when he temporarily teased the girl over his shoulder. "Bleh, Youko-chan."

"I'm going to lay out the futons before I leave, okay Kan-chan?" the delicate-looking, yet strong Kitsune girl laughed at the man who was sleepily writing a manuscript in front of her. Her firm hands clasped onto the padded material as she positioned it on the floor.  
Her unblemished, maroon kimono was as perfect as always, despite the span of years that had passed since she had been 'captured' by her human master. In fact, this very kimono with the beautiful, yet small flower patterns, was a gift from him. She treasured it and so she tried to mend it as far as it would hold. But she knew it would not last forever. Clothes could never last a lifetime, especially not a youkai's span of eternal years.  
The woman's baby face held a smile as she lovingly patted the top of the covers. No matter how many times she had done this, it was never boring.

"Okay," the one named Kan-chan answered while nodding his head.  
He continued to write with his fountain pen positioned at the same place that it had been for the past ten minutes. In frustration, he ran his fingertips through his hair as he always did when things were a little more stressful than he wanted them to be. He scratched his head and looked down at what he was writing.  
He peered over at the girl still making his bed. He huddled over the written papers with a look of possession and caution. These were very different from the manuscripts he submitted to Reiko-san.  
"If anyone were to see these, I'd never live it down," Kan-chan thought to himself while skimming the characters and English text quickly with his eyes.  
The man neatly tapped the stack of his important papers onto his working desk and put them into a blue envelope cut from a shiny kimono pattern. It looked quite plain until it sparkled in the sun as if it was the ocean reflecting the vibrant light of the day.

He placed it onto his desk as he turned around to watch the girl finishing up preparing his bed. Even though it was such an ordinary thing, he took pleasure in watching her so carefully. When he was small, he never thought he would find himself in a place that would welcome him with such happy smiles and warmth. It was the place hidden in the deepest corners of his broken dreams.  
As the little boy who was cast aside so easily by the 'humans' because of his red, red eyes, and only befriended youkai, he thought such a fantasy was just a painful illusion. He never thought it could happen to someone like him.

And yet, it had.  
Despite parts of his crushed heart filled with doubts and self-loathing, he had been able to come to this point.

He smiled at the girl as he got up to lead her towards the front door.  
As she was putting on her shoes, the Oni-eating Tengu came to the front to see her off. The shorter man, her master who was wearing a navy-blue yukata, told her, "Have fun, work hard, and get us some money!"  
He laughed while patting her shoulder. She got up and sighed at him. "Work on that manuscript! We can't live like this, Kan-chan! There's only so much I can do with our budget."  
At that moment, Kan-chan nodded his head, but then a spark appeared in his eye. "And don't forget to be extra cute towards-"  
She pinched his nose. "You and your money schemes."  
"Ow," Kan-chan said while patting his red nose as Youko-chan was walking out the front door. "Ittekimasu!"  
They waved goodbye and turned around as soon as she closed the door.

As Kantarou was about to step back into his room, the handsome Oni-eating Tengu gently grabbed his elbow. "Kantarou."  
The crimson-eyed man turned his head towards the tall figure with its urgent touch. Blinking his tired eyes, but smirking with his lips, he asked, "Yes, Haruka?"  
"I'm hungry."  
"But didn't Youko-chan just feed us?"  
"Kantarou…" Haruka's voice purred in a soft scold.

Now, the stoic Haruka wasn't one to beg or implore his wants or needs. He still had trouble expressing himself because it was all a new experience to him. But he had to persist if he wanted to enjoy his time with the humans.  
Actually, it was all focused on how he could spend his limited, yet preciously valued time with Kantarou.

His sense of time, after all, was slower compared to a human's. Or rather, _his_ human's lifespan.

Kantarou smiled as he answered while chuckling, "You're always so serious whenever you get this way."  
In his eyes, Haruka was always the same. He was timeless because he never seemed to age. Time stood still for his beloved. But pushing all that aside, he was similar and yet different as the years passed by.  
It was already ten years (five-hundred twenty weeks, more or less) since Haruka sat in front of him and asked if he could stay by his side. Of his own free will, he had come back to him.

Yes, he had counted.  
Just like when he was little before he met him. And now, he was counting the years after unsealing him.  
But Haruka's actions were always so transparent to him, despite their underlying mystery. He wasn't shaking his head or laughing at him, just at how this particular Tengu was so far from being the scary things both humans and youkai told him before their destined meeting.

"Should I not be serious?" Haruka asked while following Kantarou, whose hand was clasped onto his with their fingers interlocked and palms sticking to one another.  
"Naw, I think it's cute."  
The dark-haired one cleared his throat. His lover could be so immature sometimes, but he loved the fact that his childishness was the charm that had captured him. If it wasn't for that honesty, he wouldn't have been able to rise from his eternal sleep.

If it weren't for that determination, he wouldn't have been able to trust in anyone.  
Not even himself.

As Kantarou blew out or turned off all the lights, Haruka was waiting in their room staring at the blue folder on Kantarou's desk. He picked it up and waved it around. Of course, he couldn't open it, but he was curious as to why it was so important to Kantarou to keep it sealed when he left everything else so messy and open for everyone to see.  
He put it down as Kantarou blew out the candle in his room. His eyes opened a bit in surprise as his eyes saw that Haruka was holding onto the folder he had tried so hard to keep from seeing. Well, it was just like him to be so careless with his stuff at home.

"I've never seen this before." Haruka slightly turned towards him, but his eyes were fixated at the blue sparkly thing in his hands. When he moved it a little, it was very pretty under the moonlight.  
Kantarou stepped forward and grinned while taking it out of his hands. "When it's time, I'll tell you what it is. Okay?"  
"Promise?"  
The blue folder was placed on the desk.  
"Promise."

Haruka followed the ruby eyes and the warm hands that now tugged on his. The heat of his body and the gravitational force of those eyes made him reach out for his face. He couldn't wait until they got to the futon.  
His lips were already biting on Kantarou's lower one. He pushed him down onto the futon with one hand while holding his back to keep from hurting him. Kantarou reached out with his arms and hung them on Haruka's shoulders while Haruka kissed him harder.  
Reaching his hand under the hem of the yukata, his hand touched his knee and slowly went up his thigh. Kantarou was already blushing deep, deep red. No matter how many times they had done this, it always had the same effect.  
It was never dull or empty. It was always filled with so many things that he couldn't breathe even before they both came.

Haruka was a Tengu after all. He wasn't human. Though he was growing a human heart in the figurative sense, he was still an oni, especially one that needed the life force of other youkai and humans.

He knew it was naïve to think that Haruka could totally ignore his natural instincts, especially that of absorbing what he needed most from other life forms. And so, one night, when Haruka was sitting on the roof, he came up and said while biting on his ear, "Let me be your sacrifice."  
"What the hell are you doing, Kantarou?" Haruka said while turning away in shock and embarrassment. He folded his arms while avoiding his piercing eyes.  
Kantarou's contemplative, serious expression appeared, but his eyes' gaze touched the rooftop. "I know why you've been feeling listless once in a while. And I know it's my fault…"  
"No, it isn't. I chose to never kill again as long as I was with you. Unless I have no choice, I shall keep this agreement I made with you and myself."

Haruka knew what Kantarou was doing, and he didn't like it. It was already enough to be like this, wasn't it?

But he knew he always wanted to become closer…

"You will eventually die if you keep this up," the boy bluntly told him while clenching his hands. "It's either I seal you once again or…"  
The red-eyed boy didn't want to say it again. He was shaking already from the first time he said it. And for him, to lose Haruka because Haruka's contract to him in all aspects now, mind, body, and soul, would mean that he'd lose all meaning to everything.  
It was selfish, but Haruka was his. He had spent his whole life looking for him and he was able to keep him because Haruka chose to be with him…

Each time it crossed his mind, the thought of losing him made his chest hurt so much.

"You know what this all entails and I don't want you to use your life-"  
"No, Haruka. I'm giving you my life."

Those eyes said, "I'm strong enough now. Take me. Take my life because we've both shared it since the moment they told me your story. I want to be a part of it."

 **/*/*/*/***

"Haruka…Haruka…" Kantarou called over and over into his ear as Haruka thrust into him.  
Kantarou would close his eyes tightly from the pain while clenching onto the futon as if he were going to tear the fabric with his fingers.  
"Why do you always have to go so far, Kantarou?" Haruka breathless murmured into his ear while clasping his hand over Kantarou's even tighter until there were no spaces in between their fingers.  
"This is all I can give you" was all Kantarou could reply with tired eyes, but a smile on his face, despite all the pain.

The once frightened, scared little boy had turned into a very iron-willed person that even the strongest youkai could not handle.  
It made Haruka smile.

"Eat away at my soul…  
break my body until it's unrecognizable…  
puncture my heart slowly with little reality needles…"

Haruka's tongue went down Kantarou's spine…

"…but don't ever, _ever_ leave me again, Haruka."

Haruka took one hand off Kantarou's and turned his chin towards his right so that he could kiss him deeper than ever before.

He pulled his lips away for a moment to catch his breath while turning Kantarou's body to face him. Then, he bent down to continue the messy kiss in which both of their saliva ran down one side of their faces and onto the futon.

When he put his head onto the pillow and pulled Kantarou's hot body towards his.

"I won't."

But they both knew he never had to say such a thing, but sometimes, humans needed to know what youkai already embedded within themselves.

A lifetime? Forever? It was all the same anyway.

 **/*/*/*/***

He had kept his promise.

Even as he knelt there wanting to cry, his eyes were dry while holding onto the cold hand. Youko wept on the other side of Kantarou's bed, still looking as beautiful and as young as ever. She sobbed loudly while holding onto her master's arm.

Haruka spread his ashes on the split rock that he had come from.. He remembered his shaking hand as he patted the rock for support.  
Who would have ever thought that he would shed tears for a human?

But he wasn't just anyone. He was his.

And the contract would last forever now.

So, now, as he stood in front of the grave while closing his eyes with a solemn nod of his head, he was grinning. Haruka, the one whom Kantarou said never aged, was slightly growing older with a suit similar to what Suzu-chan had given him, even if it didn't seem to suit this time or place.  
Everything important to him was kept in a small bag that he carried while he wandered with Youko. The suit, the bowl, the red sparkly bottle, the picture of all five of them together and the folder were all in there.

Youko waited at the top of the steps as she looked up happily to the sky.

"…The buildings are really tall now. They're made from concrete and there are things called subways to keep people bustling from place to place. Of course, Youko complains that its really slow during rush hour, but that's because she's bitter that I have wings."  
Haruka laughed to himself. He always came back to tell him of his adventures in the world and brought him gifts from wherever he had come from. Today, it was a crepe from some famous café.

Then, quietly, he held onto the rock intimately. It was the rock that held him, set him free, and now kept his most precious one alive in its barrier.

He got up. "I'll see you a-"

Bounce, bounce.

The area once lusciously planted with nothing but green was now covered with stone pathways. It was a little ways off, but if you found the rock of the Oni-eating Tengu, it was worth the trip.

And today, a boy with red eyes had crossed Haruka's path. He was now picking up the green ball for the little boy. The little kid smiled at him while holding his hands. "You're a very nice Onii-san. Will you play with me?"

Haruka got down on his knees and his defenses broke. The tears he couldn't cry a long time ago were now on his eyes as he smiled while looking at the child who threw his ball at him.

"Where are your parents?"

"I live over at that building over there."  
It was the local orphanage that had been built with Hasumi's money, or rather, his compassionate daughter's inheritance.

At that moment, Haruka called the boy over to him. "What's your name?"  
"Kaoru."

"Kaoru-kun, would you like to live with me?"

Without an answer yet, Haruka closed his eyes and hugged the child. Dropping his ball, the strange child opened his arms widely to hug him back. "I want to go with you…

…it feels good."

The child snuggled against him.

He was doing it again…  
"I hate you, Kantarou. You always make me hope," he thought to himself.

Then, Kaoru's sad tone became a little bit deeper than a child's voice should have been. "Aren't you scared of my eyes?"

A gust of wind blew, but Haruka felt as if Kantarou's arms were always hugging his shoulders,  
never, ever leaving his side.

"No. I like them very much."  
He took the child's hand and led him towards Youko's direction.

The boy smiled cutely at him with a sparkle in his eyes while looking at him.  
Kaoru's trustful hand held his hand tighter.

"I find them very beautiful."

 _/"I give you this folder, Haruka."  
"What is this anyway?"  
"I wrote down all our memories together so that you'll always remember. I also wrote letters to you for the future."  
"Hahahaha…really?"  
"When the time comes, just pretend I went somewhere far away and I wrote you random letters from where I've been."  
"Don't talk of those things."  
You hug me tighter as you kiss my cheek. "I picked the color because it reminded me of your eyes."  
"Kantarou…"  
"Hai, hai."_

 _When I opened the first letter, there was no greeting of 'dear' or 'to' as letters always had._

 _The first thought that came out of your mind and out of your inked pen was,_  
 _"Aishiteru, Haruka."_

 _No wonder…_  
 _No wonder you wouldn't show me this blue folder._

 _And now, I protect you with all that I have./_

 **Owari.**  
 **-**  
 **Author's note:** Okay, here is my thank you to you, Kyuu-chan~! ^_^ You indicated you wanted *ahemsluttyahem* something sexy, so I tried to think of the best situation I could put that in along with my needed angst. My unstable emotional state said I needed to vent. So, I hope that you like it! I put fluff, angst, and smut 'cause I couldn't decided what I wanted to focus more on. ^_^v

In this particular piece, I wanted to aim at an older Kantarou and Haruka who have been together for a while. ^_^ Hey, if the last episode of Tactics wasn't a proposal, I don't know what is! ^^v ß 'victory' sign ala Kikumaru Eiji-style!

Let's point out some things you I had to point out in this fic -  
-Youko-san is one of my favorite female characters of all time.  
-Kantarou's eyes make me go 'gah…' ß yui is braindead from the deep beauty  
-I really wanted Haruka to stay in character, but grow at the same time.  
-And so, we start off with Kantarou and end with Haruka. ^_^

So, I hope that it was enjoyable to you. I tried to tweak my style just a bit. As always, I aim to do something better and different from the last fanfic I've written.

Love,  
Yui

Transliteration of the beginning of this fic from 'kono sekai no katasumi' / Kantarou's image song-  
"ima boku no kono te de kimi ni nani ga dekiru darou?  
sono kanashimi wo iyaseru sonna CHIKARA ga hoshii  
kono sekai no naka de boku ni nani ga dekiru darou?  
dekiru koto nara itsumo kimi wo mamoru tsuyosa ga hoshii"

Friday, April 15, 2005  
4:52 AM


End file.
